Monday, September 27, 2010

Non-Alcholic beers

Here's the question, why are non-alcoholic beers so terrible?   Now I'm not trying to make some joke about how alcohol is great and everyone needs to drink it.   Rather, I'm trying to figure out why beer companies across the board only create very weak, bland, light lager styles of NA beer.  

My wife is currently pregnant and craves very hoppy beer.   Of course, this is the one thing she can't have.   I've searched everywhere for every variety of NA beer I could find.   So far we've tried.

  1. O'Douls.    Ok, this is made by Budweiser so you have to immediatly assume it has no hop flavor, a very thin fizzy mouthfeel, and a horrible aftertaste.   Well, you assumed right.    If there's anything worse than Bud Light, it's O'Douls.   All of the NA beers from American macro-brewers fall into this category, so I'm done reviewing them.   If you want to know what they taste like, put a few drops of food coloring in seltzer water.   I'm serious, that's about as much taste as they have.
  2. Kaliber.    Better, but it's still pretty weak.   Basically this is an NA version of Harp, which if  you've had it you know is a fairly light lager.   Now, I don't condemn beers because they're not bursting with malt and hops.   This beer isn't bad for what it is, it's just not what we want.   It's still a low flavor light tasting beer.   I'd almost prefer that Guinness produced an NA version of Guinness draught.   After all, that beer is only 3% abv or so, so it shouldn't be hard to take 2.5% away.
  3. Saint Pauly Girl NA.   Saint Pauly Girl is a really bad product.   Not because it's ostensibly worse than Budweiser, but because it markets itself as a premium beer.   It's not, it might as well be Budweiser, Miller or Coors.   And it shouldn't cost more than those three.   Again, the NA version of this beer is much like the with alcohol version.   Nothing to write home about here.
  4. Clausthale.   I haven't tried this one, it appears to be another light lager in the Heineken style though.   Again, not what we're looking for.
  5. Paulander NA   Ok, I thought this beer was decent.   My wife the hop-head described with a weak back and fourth motion of her hand.    I can't really jump on Paulander for this one.   They created an NA beer that taste like their WA pilsner.   I just wish they would create an NA version of their  Oktoberfest, or dunkelweizen, or even hefeweizen.
Now beer companies, you've heard my rant.   Go fourth and create.  The momster demands a non-alcoholic beer that's bursting with flavor.   If any of you have ever lived with a pregnant woman, you know that's more than a request.

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